Mace Windu's Day Off (or, the Jedi's new Groove)
by ThePet
Summary: Mace Windu rediscovers the cool he lost years ago. How will this affect his fellow Jedi? 2 UP!!
1. Mace Windu's Day Off

A/N Not related to my 'Attack of the Bad Dialogue', this strange idea popped into my head while walking through the pissing English rain, drinking Burger King coffee and ruminating on the brilliant Lewis/Tyson fight, which Samuel L. Jackson attended...Title is filched from the classic 'Ferris Beuler's Day Off'.  
  
Disclaimer: I did, in fact, create this. I am George Lucas. Nope, not really.  
Summary: Jedi master Mace Windu rediscovers the groove he lost many years ago - how will this affect his fellow Jedi?  
Rating: Fffff...say PG-13 for language, depending on how easily offended you are.  
Feedback: Please! Please, please, please? But flames we do not like.  
Archive: If anyone is crazy enough to actually *want* this, they can have it. Please tell me where it went though.  
  
  
  
Mace Windu's Day Off  
  
Senior Jedi master and council member Mace Windu was a very important Jedi. We know this because he had a purple lightsabre, whereas everyone else had green or electric blue, or red, if they happened to be a Sith.  
Mace Windu, being so very important, was not allowed to be truly *cool*. Although we all know he *was* very cool because his lightsabre was purple and he had a shaved head, and because, hey, it's Samuel L. Jackson. Whatever. Despite this, Mace Windu, due to his position, was expected to be sombre, serene, and very very boring, because this is appropriate to a senior Jedi.  
Mace Windu grew bored - bored of the endless whinging of his fellow Jedi council members, bored of Master Yoda's poor grammar and habit of whacking people with his stick, bored of padawans becoming Sith and slaying their masters. Bored of Knight Kenobi's endless whinging about how his padawan, Evil Anakin, didn't love him and how it was all Qui-Gon's fault; bored of Padawan Skywalker's endless whinging about how Senator Amidala, Padme, didn't love him and it was all Obi-Wan's fault, and how he had to wear this stupid braid that made him look like even more of a girl than he already was. Bored, even, of his purple lightsabre. Mace Windu even considered growing some hair, just for a change. Then he remember how Qui-Gon Jinn had tried that, and ended up looking like an old rocker who'd taken to tree hugging in his dotage. Mace Windu changed his mind about the hair. But he needed something more in his life than the Force, something more than the grammarless gremlin, something more than his purple lightsabre.  
A day came when Mace Windu simply couldn't stand it anymore. He was walking along a corridor, thinking to himself that a cup of coffee would be nice, when Yoda floated up on his tea-tray and smacked Mace in the back of the head.  
"Ouch! Good morning, Yoda."  
"Morning Windu good Mace."  
"Eh?"  
"Syntax in lessons having am I. Getting it better is."  
"No, it isn't, if anything, it's worse."  
"You to bollocks." And Yoda flew off.   
*I can't stand this anymore* thought Mace Windu.  
He continued on his way. Before he could reach the canteen, however, a familiar ginger Jedi stalked up to him looking pompously annoyed.  
"Master Windu? Could I have a word?"  
"Yes, of course, Kenobi."  
"It's about my padawan. He's misbehaving again. This morning he put clingfilm over the toilet seat. It just wasn't funny. And I think he's having sex with that senator - this distresses me because as you know, I'm a royalist and I hate politicians. And he keeps saying he'd rather be in Philadelphia, having sex with Padme. And he flies too fast in that speeder. I really do think he hates me. He keeps saying how life would have been better if I'd been impaled on that Sith's lightsabre after all - both ends. And he keeps interrupting me when I'm talking at him, which is awful, since as you know I absolutely love the sound of my own charming, cultured, smooth, British voice. And he says I talk out of my bottom. And that I'm an arrogant bastard. And you know it's all Qui-Gon's fault. He never finished training me properly. He preferred Anakin to me, even though Anakin was only nine, and a scruffy, lice-infested slave boy at that. And on top of all that, the other week I lost a planet. Embarrassing, it was. It hurts, Master Windu. It hurts. What should I do?"  
Mace Windu thought carefully for a long moment. Then he said,  
"I'd recommend dying your hair black, shaving off that stupid beard and crawling back to Baz Luhrmann on your hands and knees, begging his forgiveness. Then try your hand at a real movie. Worked for Alec Guinness."  
"Er...thank you, master Windu, I think I'll just go and meditate on the living Force for a few years, if it's all the same to you. Keep an eye on Anakin, would you? He's so headstrong, he's just bound to become a Sith."  
Kenobi minced off. *I can't take another day of this* thought Mace Windu.  
Upon entering the canteen, the first person he saw was padawan Skywalker, looking like a bulldog chewing a wasp as usual. Scrunching up his face even more, Anakin made his way, pouting, over to Mace.  
"Master Windu? Can I talk to you about something?"  
"Yes, of course, padawan." Said Mace, wearily.  
"Well, it's about my master. He just doesn't understand me. I think he's jealous because I get to be the pretty boy in this movie and he has to be an old weirdy-beardy. And last night he ate three portions of roast bantha, and drank five bottles of wine all to himself, then blamed me for the mess in the bathroom this morning. He said I'd put clingfilm over the toilet but I didn't - he just fouled himself because he was so hung over. And he seems to hate me - think he's jealous because I was conceived by the living Force and his father was a hobo - but at other times I think he's coming on to me. And I really hate his stupid English accent. How come all the other Jedi have American accents while he talks like a schoolboy from Eton? He's the only master in the temple who sounds like he's got a rod up his ass. Why can't I have an American master? And..."  
"Padawan." Said Mace Windu, "I would recommend that you discuss this problem with your master, not with me. This is between you and Kenobi. Now please, I need coffee..."  
"Yes, but..."  
"That's enough!" Roared Mace Windu. "I can't take anymore! I'm taking the day off!"   
Mace Windu ran out of the canteen, screaming. He ran around the temple for a long time until eventually, he began to calm down. He decided to meditate in the hope of getting some guidance from the Force.  
Returning to his private quarters, Mace Windu assumed the meditation position - sticking his head between his legs and whistling up his arse - and awaited enlightenment. It didn't come. However, after only half an hour of standing with his head up his arse, Mace Windu felt a Presence in the room. Extracting his head, he saw a familiar form, made to look blue by the special effects. It was his dead friend, Qui-Gon! But there was something different about him...ah, that was it! He was wearing a studded bomber jacket, an enormous silver crucifix, leather trousers, Ray-Bans, and a gold earring in his left ear. He still had the old man ponytail.   
"Hello?" Said Mace Windu uncertainly. "Have you come to give me some advice?"  
"Yo, Mace, how's it hangin', dude? Yeah, advice is what you need, man. You know your problem, Mace?"  
"Everyone else?"  
"No, no, the problem lies within *you*, bro. You've lost your groove, man."  
"My...groove? But Qui, I was once the coolest, grooviest, hottest Jedi in the temple!"  
"True, blue, but all those years of council meetings have worn you down. You know how I used to say, screw the council and go with the Force? Well, that's the way to be, man. That's the way. I respect the Force, brother, and the Force respects me. You dis the Force, the Force forgets you, man, I'm tellin' you."  
"I've seen the Light!" Cried Mace Windu. "I've been dissin' the Force, all these years...listenin' to Yoda's little green ass...you're right, Qui! You're so right! That's it...from now on I'm followin' the Force, and I'm gonna be the hottest, grooviest, coolest, Jedi bitch sex machine in the whole friggin' temple!"  
"You go, guy! And hey," Qui-Gon winked, "if you can get the rod out of Obi-Wan's ass, you'll be doing the Force a favour."  
"I'll give it my best shot!"  
"Spread the word! Feel the Force! And hey, Mace," he winked again, "take your head outta your ass, huh? Seeya!" And with that, Blue Ghost!Qui-Gon vanished.  
In a daze of excitement Mace Windu made his way back to the canteen, ready to spread the groovy word to everyone he met. Today was the day drudgery ended! Today was freedom! Today was the coolest! Today was...Mace Windu's day off!  
  
  
  
To be continued...next instalment: The groove spreads through the Council - on Master Yoda's Day Off!   
  
Yeah, it's silly, please review ;-) 


	2. Master Yoda's Day Off

Master Yoda's Day Off  
  
Mace Windu no longer walked down the corridor - he just oozed along, looking cooler and groovier by the second. His plan: to spread the word of the Living Force - the word of coolness - to the whole temple, then the whole galaxy, and eventually, the universe. Oh, and to try to get the rod out of Obi-Wan's ass.  
There was a council meeting scheduled for that afternoon - it was the perfect opportunity to spread the Word. Accordingly, Mace Windu bowled along , making sure to turn up just a minute late so he didn't look too anal. Yoda and the others were sitting around looking frumpy, and for a moment Mace Windu's courage faltered; but then, from the corner of his eye, he spotted Blue Ghost!Qui-Gon leaning against a wall, giving him the thumbs up and grinning. Encouraged, Mace Windu strode right up to the little green head Jedi and said,  
"Hey, Yoda! Y'know, you'd be so much cooler if you shortened your name just to 'Yo!"  
"Bollocks speaking are you what? Pissed are you? Council meeting this is! Down you will sit! Being cool, you will stop!"  
"Hey, take a chill pill, Yo. I was just talking to my buddy, Blue Ghost!Qui-Gon, and he was tellin' me how, since he died, he totally got his groove back. Well, I ain't waitin' to die before I groove, Yo. And you shouldn't either. Come on, you're eight hundred years old, and where's your mojo, man?"  
"Mojo, Jedi masters have not. Respectable, we are!"  
"But that's just it, Yo. It's all about respect. You respect the Force, the Force respects you. Dis the Force, and you end up, y'know, old and staid. Maybe that's why you're so green and wrinkly, Yo. You think you're worshipping but in reality, you're just dissin' the Force."  
Yoda's ears flapped up and down as he contemplated the truth of what Mace Windu had said.  
"Meaning, your words have. Cool I was once, seven hundred and eighty years ago. Lost my groove I have. Dis the Force, I do."  
"But you can change, Yo. Take it from me. It's not to late to start respectin' the Force! The Force is all-cool and all-forgiving, man."  
And Mace Windu began to rap.  
"Yo! Respect the Force!  
You may be green  
But that don't mean  
You gotta leave the scene  
Yo! Respect the Force!  
Give it a chance  
Take off your pants  
Let out the ants  
Yo! Respect the Force!"  
Yoda flapped his ears again.  
"At rapping, appalling, you are. But right your message is. Take off my metaphorical pants, I will. Respect the Force, I will. Regain my groove, I must!"  
"You go, Yo!"  
"Council members," Yoda cried, "a gig there will be in the temple tonight. The greatest gig ever seen in the galaxy. Forcestock, will it be called. Attend, you all will, and your padawans you will bring. Taught to respect the Force, they must be. Groovy, they must become."  
"Way to go, Yo!" Cried everyone.  
  
It wasn't long before every Jedi in the temple had regained his or her groove, and the message was spreading. Even Palpatine had taken to wearing a Kangol hat. There was only one person - only one in the entire temple - who still hadn't accepted the Word.  
"Something we must do, about Obi-Wan Kenobi." Yo said to the Council. "A rod up his ass, he has. Removed, it must be, and soon. Fall, darkness will, if groovy, Kenobi does not become."  
"Yeah, he does seem pretty stuck on the frumpy side of the Force." Mace Windu agreed. "And anyway I promised Blue Ghost!Qui-Gon to de-rod his padawan before Anakin kills him. If Kenobi goes into the Force like that, his staidness could spread, and wipe out everything cool in the galaxy!"  
"My master needs to lay chilly." Remarked Anakin, who had been called in to give his perspective on the most anal retentive Jedi in existence. "He keeps comin' out with this 'you have much to learn, my young padawan' bullshit. If he don't stop I'm gonna kick his ass!"  
"Your master's ass, you will not kick." Yo said firmly. "Zen, we are not. Jedi, we are. A less violent approach to this problem of enlightening Kenobi will we take. Suggestions?"   
"Maybe he'd get the rod of his ass if he got the plum out of his mouth." Muttered a council member.  
"Saying, are you, that groovy, British people cannot be?"  
"Not necessarily. Look at Qui. But Random Jedi dude over there has a point, Yo." Mace warmed to his theme. "I mean, did you ever hear an Eton accent rap? He has to cut the Churchill vibes, guys, before we get through to him. Can't be groovy soundin' like a cabinet minister!"  
"A lot to answer for, has Tony Blair." Muttered Yo, darkly.  
"We need to do something about that voice, and quick."  
"Hm. A cockney accent, think you, instead?"  
"Not bad - cockney is cool, but we don't want him sellin' knickers in a street market. Why don't we make him a Scot?"  
"Aha, good, this idea is, Mace Windu. Ginger already is Kenobi. In a kilt, look cool, he would. Nice legs has he."  
"You think dressing him in a skirt would make him groovy?" Asked Anakin, bewildered.  
"Skirt, it is not! National dress, it is! Cool it is! And worn under the kilt, nothing is."  
"It's all in working order." Agreed Mace Windu.  
"Wedgies, we could not give him." Mused Yo. "Downside is this."  
"If he was groovy, we wouldn't need to wedgie him." Pointed out Mace.  
"He's right. Only nerds get wedgies." Anakin put in.  
"Then agreed, it is. Scottish, Kenobi will be made. Rod from his ass, we will remove. Groovy, he will be, then unanimous, the Jedi shall become."  
  
Sadly, the council's plan to Scottishise Kenobi failed utterly. They forced him into a kilt, made him recite the complete works of Robert Burns, and made him watch a looped tape of 'Braveheart', but to no avail. Kenobi retained his Eton accent and seemed utterly baffled by the kilt. He rather liked it, however, since he was able to go to the lavatory more easily. Eventually, the council figured out why Kenobi was unable to get back his groove.  
"It's because he never had one in the first place, Yo!" Mace Windu explained. Blue Ghost!Qui-Gon agreed, remarking that,  
"He's been a stuffed shirt ever since he was a padawan."  
With the failure to convert Obi-Wan Kenobi, balance in the Force could not be achieved, and the Jedi were doomed. Obi-Wan's padawan, under the influence of his master, became more and more staid, until, one fateful day...  
"It's happened, Yo! Skywalker's become...a Stiff!"  
Indeed he had - a Stiff called Stark Vader. Yo was wrath with Kenobi.  
"All your fault it is, for rod up your ass, you have. To Tatooine you will take Skywalker's son Luke, for in him now lies the hope of the Jedi. And you yourself to the desert will go, and as a hermit live, until your groove, you discover."   
  
As we all know, Luke Skywalker didn't re-establish balance in the Force; far from being cool, he turned out to be a cheesy geek with a seventies haircut. So the Jedi were wiped out and stuffy gits took over the galaxy. Ironically, in spite of all this, Obi-Wan Kenobi did eventually discover his groove; he changed his name to Ben, which we all known is far cooler than Obi-Wan, a name for nerds. Thus is concluded the story of how the Jedi were wiped out and the galaxy condemned, all because of one man who had a rod up his ass. So Anakin was right, it really *was* all Obi-Wan's fault, after all.   
  
The moral of this story?  
  
RESPECT THE FORCE, WEAR A KILT, AND GET THE DAMN ROD OUT OF YOUR ASS! 


End file.
